There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
