it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
