I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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