I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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