theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I will be naked everywhere
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
