The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
