just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
