i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
