My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
