Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
