I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
