You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I think your dad took our porno
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
