is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
