I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
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