GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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