Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
