Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
