did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
