does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
