I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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