I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
