She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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