So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize