Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
