Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
