my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
