your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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