I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
