Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
