Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
