i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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