when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize