proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Randomize
