Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
