The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Semen is not good for contacts.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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