I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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