yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Ok let me ask a question, does aderall make women less apt to have sex?
Cause it just destroys penises
Was that inappropriate? I can't gauge these things anymore
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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