Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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