Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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