I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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