Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
