Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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