god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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