8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
