I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
