chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
