theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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