I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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