I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
