SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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