You don't have asthma, your pregnant
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
