that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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