you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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