i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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