She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
