I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
