i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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