Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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