i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
