He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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