A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
