Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
