no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
