Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
