our cab driver is having phone sex.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
