Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
