At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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