I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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